can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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