Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
