She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
