When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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