The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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