If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize