wrigley field is MILF paradise
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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