how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
