is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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