my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
