Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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