and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
