so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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