Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
