my vag is so smooth its legendary
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
