remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
