i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
