I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
