I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
