i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
