I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
