Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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