1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Randomize
