I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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