Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
So squirting runs in the family.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
