Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
