I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
