I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
