turn off your phone and go to bed
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.