its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
