Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
