i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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