did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
i will never coherently bang her
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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