we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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