before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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