Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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