I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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