Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
