new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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