Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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