i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i will never coherently bang her
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Randomize
