Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
