I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
