I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
