I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
You smell like a Billy Joel song
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
