I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
