I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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