on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
