I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
