Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
