just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
