Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize