At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
