we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
