So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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