pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
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What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
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Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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